Ugh I’m so fucking exhausted with people. I’m soooo exhausted with staying strong and not giving in, doing what I know will be better for me down the road. But I feel so fucking drained, I havent felt defeated in a long fucking time. Usually the fix would be to crawl into bed and cry until I fall asleep. But I can’t even stand to be alone, I dont want to go to bed alone, I don’t care who it is I just want someone to hold me and just let me cry. I just want to sink away into a black hole. I want to be so high where I cant even think straight cause then I wont be able to think about all the shit thats going on. I know everyone has to go through some down time during their life. Where shit has to hit the fan before things can get better. But it’s hard, moving on is hard. Letting go is hard. Learning whats right and whats not is hard. Even though you might want something so bad, and love the attention when you have it. Sometimes the little bit of good, is not worth all the bad. Accepting it is one thing, but putting yourself to the test and actually doing whats best is another. And then putting yourself out there again, is confusing. Their looks catch your attention, there charisma keeps you interested, but then all they want is some ass. I can’t blame them though, I’m an attention grabber, I’m loud and flirtatious, I joke around constantly, I’m small and petite something i’m sure they loved to throw around. It’s just after all the flirting and the talk, they just don’t have that something, that something that makes me want more. I can read them, and I know how bored of them I’d get so quickly. But of course they’ll keep txting and calling me to hangout. And the one guy I do meet, that actually catches my attention plays the game better than I do. Keeps me guessing, keeps me waiting, keeps me stressing, keeps me wondering if I’m doing things right. And I hate it. All I want is one day with him to myself. One full day and night, and I know I could have him. But I think he knows that too, I think he knows all it would take is one day for me to capture him, and I think he likes having the upper hand. He’s shy at the same time, so he might also be intimidated. I don’t think he really knows what to do with a person like me, hes intrigued but is a little lost. I may be a bit to wild for him, maybe a little too blunt, maybe a little to vulgar. But then again hes never had that before. So he keeps his distance but lets me come close when he feels he can handle it, and than he backs away  again. Learning me, studying me, making me wait. I hate it. I want to quit, I get so frustrated and get to the point where I’m just like fuck it, waste of my time. And then I wake up the next day, checking my phone to see if by any chance he happened to wake up thinking of me, like I had woke up thinking of him..